Echoes

111.3

Once, there was a girl who had no idea what she was doing...

That girl is definitely me.

The past nine months have been insane, to say the least...

College looms ever closer, and I can't help but feel excited and thrilled by the idea of change. Pretty soon here, my entire life is going to be different.

And I can't wait.

However, one little problem:

I refuse to stay at this nasty weight.

So, once again, 96 pounds is in my sights...

I will do it, no problem.

Through the headaches, the hunger; it's all for a reason.

I have dreams, you see.

Dreams of glamour, dreams of class.

Thinner, thinner.

Richer, richer.

Constant echoes in my mind, repetitive and intoxicating...

It won't take much, it'll take everything.

I have a boyfriend now.

Whatever.

Also: I'm fat.

Well, not for long.

Intake:

2 eggs

2 pieces american cheese

1 small sausage patty

1 coke zero

3 slices turkey breast

Interlude

Nothing to see here.

Excite

96.9

My lowest weight ever, by far.

I'm not entirely certain how to feel.

Yesterday was my birthday- I twiddled my hours away, flitting from store to store, trying on item of clothing after item of clothing...

and always, always pleased.

Nothing pinched, nothing pulled.
Everything cascaded, and caressed, in ways I'd only ever dreamed of; or drooled after on thinspo blogs.

Everything looked great- and if it didn't, it was because the shirt was too baggy, or the jeans too loose.

A very heady feeling...

I do quite believe I could get lost in it.

I'm not quite where I want to be yet, but god damn it I'm close.

Closer than I've ever been.

Ninety two is the magic number.

Because, you see, I don't want to be average.

I don't even want to be on the lower end of normal.

I'll say what I've said a million times over, I want thin.

I want the prestige...

Because lovelies, it's true what they say.

Thin is a skill; a practice you must hone with each passing day, until it is second nature to you.

You must breathe thin, like it needs you.

This is what I want.

~

The boyfriend gave me presents yesterday- I was ecstatic.

Four pairs of jeans, and a pair of shorts plus two tops; all from Hollister.

I about died.

At first I eyed the articles of clothing with trepidation, remembering all too well the days after days spent in dressing rooms with my mother- near tears because nothing would fit me, and the mirror displayed all too well the disgusting fat rolls all over my body.

Suffice to say, those incidences have left me just a little jaded in regards to the whole "clothes" agenda.

I stare at the blue denim fabric, ogling each curve- and lack thereof.

Slowly, my heart beating, I grab the jeans- the little tag reads 24.

Quick mental math.

Size zero.

I'm holding a size zero from Hollister.

At this point, I'm sort of freaking out; anticipating the conversation where I tell my boyfriend, "Oh hey, thanks for the gifts and all, but you see, there's this little thing where I'm too fat for all the clothes you got me..." Each second my sense of dread increases.

Until I decide, fuck it.

Two minutes later, I'm staring into the mirror in disbelief.

They fit perfectly.

Each leg went in without a moment's hesitation, and the button felt like it belonged right around my waist; in fact, a little loose.

I could get lost in this.

~

People at school are noticing- two of my teachers remarked that I was "too skinny".
However, at four foot eleven, I hardly find this is the case; it's most likely a mixture of my very strong Polish genes (my mother's full blooded, I'm first generation off the boat) lending me a very angular face. And hey, I'm okay with this.

What's the point of being thin when no one can tell?

My biggest problem areas are my stomach and thighs, but slowly, day by day I can feel my thighs getting smaller and smaller.

I know I'm not genetically predisposed to a thigh gap, but I'll be damned if I'm not going to have the closest thing to it.

Another small victory today:

I'm officially in the 18 BMI range. Eighteen point nine, to be exact.

Which is freaking crazy.

I took my measurements two days ago- perhaps I'll post them later

Just four pounds to go... That's all I have.

Then begins my "Reintroduction Phase" (should be tons of fun).

I chose ninety two, because I feel like that's where I'll see the most difference.

I want to be glamorously thin.

~

I haven't been updating my intake lately, for a number of reasons.

One, I've been very low spirits- very tired, very sad.

I don't know if sad is the right word.

And also, other than that, I probably would find the energy to at least blog what I ate;

but you see, the thing is I haven't.

At least, not for the past eleven days.

And I really couldn't give a fuck.

Expected

97.8

I don't know what else to say.

I just want to be thinner.

Today's my birthday...

and I'm not entirely certain I care.

Retribution

100.4

I haven't eaten in six days.

And I don't particularly give a fuck.

~

I've dyed my hair, tanned my skin, lost 35ish pounds-

and now everyone acts differently towards me.

I'm stared at.

Guys check me out, when they think I'm not looking.

Oh, but I know.

Haven't blogged in a couple days-I've been away from the computer.

Off doing greater things of more (temporary) importance, like running lap upon lap upon lap in an effort to lose just a little more weight the next day.
Hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

A hundred point four.

Bleach blonde hair, with brown skin.

Painted nails, a belly button ring.

Throw in a iced skinny starbucks coffee and you have the image I've been striving for, for about four years.

I've been working hard- and now, I've finally done it.

I'm about 5 lbs away from where I finally want to be.

So, this is essentially crunch time.

God, I love my life.

Strange

Today was a very weird day.

It started, with me once again not eating- I'd allotted myself egg whites for breakfast, but, lo and behold, my lazy ass didn't have enough time to actually cook anything.

Thus sets the scene of my day, leaving the house hassled, hair barely straightened, make up everything but smudged on- just done up enough to be approachable in common society.

Then lunch time rolls around.

I was walking down the hall, when suddenly my thoughtful countenance was assaulted by some sounds coming from somewhere in the same hallway.

"Hey cutie!"

A lower classman calls at me; I scoff outright.

I say right back, "Too young."

And walk right off towards the track.

It was my lunch, after all- I mean, what else would I be doing? Eating?

Ha, good one.

After I finished my two miles, I get cat called walking to my next class.

At this point, I'm thinking what the fuck.

Fast forward to later that day, after school.

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and after inquiring to speak to the manager about the food ingredients in one of the recipes (my friend is on a low carb diet, gotta help her out every once in awhile), right before he walks off he says, "I was sort of hoping you were going to ask if we have any server spots for hire right now, because you are very gorgeous and we could use someone like you."

What. The. Fuck.

Oh, but I'm not done.

On the way home, besides getting honked at twice, a twenty year old guy slows down while making a turn, and stares straight at me and smiles. Then, he pulls around again in front of me, calling out; "Hey girly, are you single?" Seems harmless enough, you know.

But wait, did I mention he's driving a minivan, and missing teeth?

"No, I'm taken, sorry," I call back out.

As if.

It's going to take a lot more than calling at me from a moving vehicle to get me, and especially not a minivan.

Ugh.

The point of all this is, this has just started occurring, now that I hit the 102 lb area.

Nobody, and I repeat, nobody did any such thing towards me or about me when I was thirty pounds heavier.

People are noticing.

But more importantly, so am I.

Just goes to show though, that nobody likes the fat girl...

~

I don't regret weight loss for a moment.

All I had to do was believe in myself.

Intake:

Nothing

Outtake:

walk five miles (270 calories)

Grandeur

102.8

Still losing, but not as much as I'd have liked to...

Perhaps I'm greedy.

Today I apply for a waitressing job;

because everyone knows that a girl needs a little spending money (;

Life's rather dull without it, I say.

Today I want to burn as many calories as possible;

meaning, as many as my laziness will allow...

:p

But it's much easier to exercise, when you know you will see immediate results the very next day;

it makes the sweat just that much more meaningful, just that much greater of a triumph.

But what am I sitting here doing, talking about sweating- the most exercise I get is by walking.

Albeit, I walk far, but I don't do anything particularly strenuous-

For some reason, I really don't feel like going into cardiac arrest.

One oh two point eight.

Ugh.

It's really the "point eight" that kills me...

But hey, slow and steady wins the race stays fat longer.

I haven't eaten anything in awhile, and in all honesty, I don't particularly care to.

Now dearies, I must say, I acknowledge this is unhealthy- I would never condone fasting.

However, this is a blog about my weight loss journey; and I'm willing to do whatever it takes.

Let it be known, I won't live like this forever.

Eventually, I'll be upping my intake to maintenance levels....

...Eventually.

As soon as I'm pleased with my current weight.

Which, currently judging, should be about eight pounds from now.

It's all about pushing yourself, farther than you ever thought you could go.