Central

I spend a lot of time just musing to myself these days.

I'm feeling much more productive, which is the end result of me busting my ass to catch up on school work... Kids, don't let it happen to you.

I want so much from my future, but none of it's going to mean anything if I don't get my shit together right now. I'm a junior- no longer is there any room for error.

Time management seems to be quite the issue with me-

Because quite honestly, ninety-eight percent of the time I just can't be fucked to do anything.

Algebra?

Fuck that bullshit.

I'd much rather be sipping a skinny nonfat macchiato from Starbucks, writing poem upon poem...

Or meditating outside, feeling the cool breeze calm my being.

Or just sitting there, planning for the future.

I know what I want from my life, and I'll be damned if I'm not going to have it.

~

I'm moving to California as soon as I graduate, from one sunny state to another.

Just the first step of many into my future, towards all of my dreams.

One thing I've learned in life, is don't ever let anyone tell you you're not worth your dreams.

They're wrong.

It is no one's right but your own to tell you what you're worth.
So fuck 'em.

Grasp your future, in your own hands.

Make your own reality.

Intake:

1/2 cup egg whites w/ grated cheese

~

A major realization I came to in regards to my weight loss, is that I was going through each day relatively painlessly. I ate when I was hungry, (albeit low carb) and never really said no to myself.

Well, that's changed. 

I've been telling myself no a lot lately.

And my weight has been all the better for it.

So, I guess my philosophy of the day is

"Just say no."

No to food, and yes to thin.

Hierarchy

110.7
So, I lied yesterday.
I told you what I was going to eat, but I didn't follow it.
...I never had those eggs.
So, I sat at a cozy 50 calories all day.
That's definitely on the low end of my intakes.
I lost a decent amout of weight, but if I do it for long, my metabolism will suffer.

In this game, you gotta play it smart.
I'm one pound away from fixing all of my week of binging mistakes...
I'm sorta proud of myself.
It took me nine days to gain it, and five days to lose it.
Eight pounds in five days.
And my weight's only going to go lower.
I'm so looking forward to this.
Once I reach 108, that will be my lowest weight in two years.
And I'm so fucking excited.

You'll have to follow me down, girls. ;)

Today should be an amazing day.

Abide

112.4

I know I still have yesterdays food weight in me, so I'm feeling pretty okay about this number.

Not to mention with the humongous weight loss jump I experienced yesterday.

Beggars can't be whiners, I'll take what I can get.

If I'd worked a little harder yesterday, and maybe ate less of that spinach, well, who knows...

But all I have to work with is today.

But the haunting thought still lingers over me... 

If I had been 112.5 when I woke up this morning, or, god forbid, 112.6...

I would have most likely been extremely depressed.

Right now, I'm just a heaping wad of okay.

Because I'm content as long as I lose something, no matter how seemingly insignificant.

Because what is a big change, but just a number of small changes?

I'm going to focus on keeping today very small and neat, intake-wise.

I will be exercising control.

For instance, I want to go into the other room and get some turkey breast...
But I won't.

Sacrifice is giving up something good, for something better.

At 1 pm, I will let myself have 1/4 cup of eggwhites and sprinkled cheddar cheese.

And that will be my day.

It's a decision I've made, bottom line.

You have to give yourself complete control.

~

I'm looking forward to finally fitting in my jeans again, so intensely.

When I hit 99, I think I may just cry from sheer happiness.

And it won't be too long now.

<3

Hope you guys are all thinking thin, and keeping your goals in mind.

As the great saying goes, "Don't give up what you want the most, for what you want right now."

Live by it.

Divine

112.5

Victory.

I want to scream.

A two and a half pound loss in one day...

Insane.

I love every second.

It's wonderful knowing that finally, this time, I'm going to be thin.

I'm going to fit into those jeans I haven't worn since I was 99 lbs...

I'm going to have a tiny stomach with thin thighs, everything I have ever wanted.

And it's all happening now.

~

Today was a very amazing day, spent all of it with the boyfriend.

He's the best.
He makes me feel amazing.

It was a lovely day to just sit and think about the future.

I have so many aspirations, so many things I want to do with my life...

And they're becoming realized.

It's a wonderful feeling.

Who says you can't lose weight and be happy?

I'm somewhat discontented with today's caloric intake, but it's still nothing even remotely close to bad.

Just, circumstantial.
The boyfriend and I went out to eat, and I did it; low carb of course. 

Chicken smoked on the grill, dressingless salad, boiled spinach...

The only thing I'm slightly worried about is the spinach.

But we'll see how it affects me tomorrow.

The truth is, I feel so amazing.

And I wouldn't give it up for a thing...

Except, that is, being thinner.

I've come along way...

And it shouldn't be too far now.

Intake:

3 slices turkey breast

1 slice mozzarella cheese

1 slice cheddar cheese

1/4 cup dressingless salad

palm sized grilled chicken

cup and a half cooked spinach

Essence

The weirdest fucking thing just happened...

I was taking a nap, minding my own dream business, when the happy contents of my dream turned to a more sinister tone... I started dreaming of food.

Someone was throwing Oreos at me, you know, common daily practice; and I decided to eat one.

I think I had two in the dream.

But this is where it gets weird.

Instead of pigging out, like normal binge dreams-

I contemplated it.

I mentally contemplated it.

And then, I thought about being skinny, and I realized, oh shit, if I had these I'm not going to be as skinny as I want to be tomorrow.

Then dream me decided, well, I better not do anymore damage...

And put the Oreos aways.

I think this is fucking phenomenal.

This is a sign to me, that I will lose the weight (and that perhaps I may be slightly psychotic, but eh, details). I feel really good about dream me's actions.

Even my sub-conscious wants to be a skinny bitch.

However, in the dream, I was coming to terms with the fact that I'd throw myself into low-carb hell by eating those Oreos, and I was very sad.

I woke up, and wanted to cry.

"I just want to be thin," was my first thought.

But slowly, ever so slowly, my mind cleared of that hazy after-nap fog...

There are no Oreos here.

And my mind, and stomach, rejoiced. 

My heart leapt for joy....

I hadn't fucked up.

I was okay.

I will be thinner tomorrow.

And that's all that really matters to me.

Intake:

8 slices turkey breast

1 mozzarella cheese stick

salad w/ chicken, hot sauce and mustard 

Dilute

114.9

I feel high almost. 

I am closer.

I am on my way to thin.

It won't be too long now...

I've been dousing everything I eat in hot sauce lately, temporarily giving into the potential hoopla of proposed fat burning properties of capsaicin. Hey, it's zero calories- can't hurt too much, right?

I thought about having another cheese stick, just a couple moments ago.

And I said no.

And in turn, I said "Yes Please" to thin.

I turned down the added 80 calories, and I feel great.

Strong. 

Powerful.

I'll get there, sooner or later.

It just takes a little bit of will, and a lot of want.

Passé

I've never been a very patient person.

But this? 

This should happen pretty fast.

Every once in awhile, I can close my eyes, and see myself at my goal weight...

Gorgeous and thin, and above all, tan.

I have a sexy boyfriend.

Who is everything I just mentioned above, but instead of thin, he has glorious muscle that sorta makes me want to rip his clothes off everytime I see him.

Oh and his tan.... His motherf@#!ing tan... 

Besides him looking like a Hollister model, he's the best.

He really, really is. 

He motivates me to be better than I am, to push myself.

He's proud of my weight loss.

It puts me above the rest.

Pro-Ana.
Sometimes the term has use.

It's not an overnight thing.

It's a day by day process that takes you ever closer to your dream goal.

100 is just my little mile stone.

My real happy weight is around 95 pounds...

I think I'll go with 93 pounds.

At 93 pounds, that will mark my 40 pounds weight loss mark.

I have come a long way.

I'm sitting at about 115 right now, I believe...
We'll see tomorrow.

I'll get there.
I know I will.

I'm not particularly hungry right now, which is a blessing in itself.

Hunger's never been an issue.

I'm thinking about becoming vegan again...

I think I would enjoy that so much.

I loved it before.

And if I'm not lying to myself, I actually sort of miss it.

Intake:

One piece of sausage

Half a salad w/ grilled chicken

Someone once asked me what I take on my salads, since a lot of dressings these days are full of carbs and unecessary fats. I thought this was a particularly good question, so here we go (:

Aniela's Zero Fat/Zero Carb Salad Dressing:

Mustard

Hot Sauce

Yup ladies, it's that simple.

On top of that, it's been found that hot sauce triggers weight loss.

So gobble down, my lovelies <3

Think Thin xx

Perseverance

???

My stomach is growling.

This means I'm doing something right.

I decided to say fuck it, and just continue to low-carb;

this is how I lose the most weight anyway.

I can push through it.

I'm having a better realization of what I want now.

I'm taking it slowly, step by step...

But I'm getting there.

Soon, I will be where I want to be;

In a great place.

It just takes time.

The hunger pains will be worth it when I can safely be considered the hottest girl in the room.

I'm not a bad looking girl, not by any means.

My body has always been the problem area.

Not anymore.

I feel it.

This time, it's finally going to happen.

I'm going to make it to 100, and in fact, something's telling me I'll even make it below.

It just takes a little time.

I hope you are all having amazing days, and thinking thin.

Once you consider your goals as tangible, they become all the more real to you.

Now it's my turn to be thin.

Will you follow me there? 

Advocate

The devil's bargain.

That's what they say low-carb dieting is...

You will lose weight, and lose it fast-

but at the price of forever eating low carb the rest of your life.

I'm willing to pay the price.

My mistake the last week was in throwing all caution to the wind and binging so hard and with such intensity I looked pregnant the entire time... A minute didn't pass that I wasn't uncomfortably full and wanting to die.

But yet, I kept binging.

Stupid girl.

Now, I have to suffer the consequences of it... I regained the weight I lost.

But it won't take too much. 

I can do this, I've done it before.

Now I just have to take it farther.

109.

I've had a taste.

100, here I come.

Just Kill Me

???

I have to be practical here.

I need to face it; I royally fucked up.

And now I need to be smart about it, or I'm going to get fat again.

Is that what you want, Aniela?

To get fat again?

That's right.

I didn't think so.

I have to think to myself...

how am I going to lose this weight now?

I can either go back to strict no-carbing, and lose weight again...

Or attempt some weird concoction of...

You know what fuck it.

I'm just going to go back to low carb.

Fuck this motherfucking bullshit.

It's the devil's bargain.

Either I consistently feel like dying, but on the outside, I'm alright...

Or I feel okay, but on the inside, I want to die...

It's a toss up.

An evil, twisted, malevolent toss up in which only one scenario gets the body I want.

I'm not that far from 100.

I'm really not.

So let's get my shit together, eh?

Agreeable

118

The scale is slightly more agreeable this morning.

I've had an apple today...

It's chilly today.

It reminds me of a distant past, of a world that no longer exists to me...

Did it ever really exist at all?

Sometimes I question the very fabric of reality I've been caught in....

Dainty, faint whisperings of a world I once lived in-

How it haunts me to this day.

One day, I will return...

To take back what was ripped from my possession.

For it is there, that I lost my sense of self.

One day, I will make the journey back to New Zealand;

to reclaim what is still, in my hearts of hearts,

mine...

There's this impression of that time in my mind;

 a time of mental anguish

of a consistently empty stomach

chilly winds, refreshing air

but more than anything- 

f r e e d o m.

And that's all I ever wanted; to be free.

There are demons here.

They hold me down, they exist with years and years of pent up hatred...

They despise success.

This place is a sickness.

... but I will prevail.

Will always prevails.

Impossible

121

There's no way.

It's just impossible.

I've binged for a week straight- 

a mind driven out of control from the depths of low carb hell.

If I eat too few carbs, I feel like I'm dying.

If I eat too many, I feel like I'm dying, and I want to kill myself.

Is there anyway to win?

I measured my weight at the end of the day, after a full day of binging...

I know at least four pounds is water weight-

but gaining 11 pounds in a week?

That's fucking insane.

I must be trying to fuck myself over.

So it looks like I have to do some damage control.

1400 calories a day.

I can do that, no problem.

Let's stabilize this weight a little bit....

Eleven pounds...

Fucking kill me.

Masquerade

Calmer now.

Thank god.

My heart's no longer pounding, so I can think more rationally.

It was tough there for awhile- something about vomiting triggers the mind into wanting more food.

Which, in my book, is no bueno.

You have to act like the size you want to be.

I remember hearing that mentality, and it dawning on me...

Holy shit, I'm doing everything wrong.
It gets harder, when you plateau.

Nerves are high, and you're afraid of everything.
 Afraid you're too fat to ever be any thinner.
Afraid of yourself.
Afraid of food.
This is the eating disorder taking over.

Oh, but you can't let it win.

~

I'm going out for a sushi run with friends tomorrow.
Guess who won't be partaking?
Instead, I think I know how I'm going to spend my money.
I'll refrain from eating food all day, and then have one sugarfree non fat skinny Caramel Frappucino from Starbucks (about 60 calories).
Might not be ketosis, but it's still restriction-
e.g. Still weight loss.
It's up to me.
I can either eat zero carb tomorrow, or splurge on one Starbucks drink.
Decisions, decisions.

Regress

Plateau

Today marks the first day I've purged in about a year.
Desperate times, call for desperate measures.
I'd had nothing but cheese and turkey all day, and then decided to have 2 buffalo wings.
They didn't have any bread on them, so I figured, eh, why not.
It's too bad, I flipped.
I couldn't handle it.
It started slowly.
What if the sauce had carbs in it?
My fear grew.
What if what I thought was skin was actually bread?

My slight fear soon became frantic panic, which soon led me face to face with the porcelain judge himself. Sprawled out in front of the toilet, I puked my guts out.
And it hurt.
It burned.
Vomit spewed from my nose and mouth, burning my sinuses and doing nothing to help the voices in my head.
You're fat.
My body heaves, complying with my minds wishes.
You'll never be thin if you keep eating like that.
My stomach contents are splashing into the water. I don't know what to feel.
You're stupid.
I wonder if I'm done yet- It seems there's no end to the stomach acid, which seems content to tear up my esophagus.

But it's done now.
Over.
I made my mistake, now I must live with it.
Hopefully, everything will be all fine and dandy and I'll have lost maybe a little bit of weight tomorrow.
If not, I'm stuck at this plateau for a little while longer.
There's always tomorrow, and tomorrow, I won't fuck up.
I'll think twice before I put any red-sauce slathered piece of lard near my mouth.

And I will be thin.
Objectively, my day wasn't that bad.
Sure, I may have kicked myself out of ketosis, but that can be readily fixed.
Either way, I'm still in a caloric defecit- which, at the end of the day, is all that really matters.

Now if only my throat would stop burning.

Ellipsis

109.6

Another plateau. 

Though, this may be carb-intake related.

Or, I-haven't-shit-in-five-days related.

Who knows.

Either way, this isn't going to fly with me.

No carbs today, and 10 minutes of hardcore sprints.

Now I just wait until tomorrow.

I will have this.

It's funny, how I feel so disgustingly fat.

Actually, it's not funny at all.
I feel fatter now than I did at 133...

But I know this is just the effects of corporeal awareness.

It's all the same at the end of the day though...

I'm not thin enough.

More laxatives today.

I'm certain I'm killing my insides.

But do I really care?

Beach this saturday.

Can't wait to spread my beluga self all over the shores.

But hey, fat or not, I'll get a tan...

Which is my number 2 concern these days.

(Number 1: Lose weight, Number 2: Stay Tan)

Girlies, remember: 

The tanner you are, the thinner you look.

I'm debating taking those progress pictures at 108...

I don't even know if there's even any interest in any pictures.

Regardless, hope you guys are keeping your thin thoughts in your mind.

Wise words of the day:

Don't give up what you want the most, for what you want right now.

Intake:

1 slice turkey breast

3 string cheese sticks

tuna w/ light mayo

Outtake:

10 minutes sprints

Wait

109.7

Insane.

All my worrying from yesterday, put to rest.

I am lower today.

This means a couple things:

1) I can consume 20ish g carbs and still remain in ketosis

2) Because of the above mentioned reason, I can enjoy more fruits, etc

Which leads me to...

 3) I rock.

(:

I'm thinking I'll have no carbs today, and lose more weight, or stay how I'm eating now, and lose less weight. It's a difficult decision. I have to fight my desire for results right now, versus my desire to sustain weight loss. It's a tough trade.

I'm going to stick with the 20ish g of carbs a day, even at the sacrifice of losing less weight now.
Because:
-More diverse foods
-Larger possibilities of permanent weight loss maintenance
-better chance of breaking plateaus
-more fiber in my diet, so I'm more likely to shit.

Yes, I like this idea.

Edge

I feel disgusting.

551 calories today, 19g carbs.

Fucking shoot me.

I'm just going to have to woman up.

Today will be a test, as to whether my body's ketosis can handle 20g carbs in a day.

If it can't, then I'm back to no carbs tomorrow to make up for any stunted weight loss.

If it can... I'm going to sing hallelujah and praise Jesus while singing the Russian anthem and doing backflips. You think I'm kidding.

Granted, I feel a little bit more than satiated right now- but my mind has drawn a parallel between slight hunger and satisfaction. But that's quite alright, I'll be okay.

So I guess if my body has remained in ketosis, depending on how deep of a ketosis it is, I have a couple different possibilities for tomorrow's approach. Either I'll have virtually no carbs, in an attempt to lose more weight, or stick with about 20 g carbs a day. I think the latter is more strategic of me to do, seeing as if I hit a plateau, I can restrict my carb intake- whereas, if I'm already eating as low as possible, I won't have anywhere to go from there. I'll be able to stay at 20 g carbs, and still have some of my beloved fruits.... Oh fruit, how I miss thee.

We'll just have to see.

~

My brain is still foggy, and I no longer know if it's from lack of carbs or sugar or potassium, iron or just general lack of sleep.

And quite frankly, I don't care.

I just want to lose weight.

Today someone remarked to me, "Aniela, I didn't even recognize you! You're so skinny!" Another girl chimes in, "And your boobs, they're so big!" 

On the inside, I was shining.

But you see, dear, this is only the beginning.

I'm not done quite yet.

Oh, no sir.

You haven't seen the end of me.

~

Intake:

mozzarella cheese stick

ground turkey with slight breadcrumb

three slices skinned cucumber

six apple slices

three slices turkey breast

two egg whites

1/2 can tuna

Principality

110

My first goal weight, reached.

I feel good.

I had some sliced apples this morning, and I'm feeling quite iffy about it...

I'm not going to have any more carbs today, I'm freaking out a little too much.
I'm debating whether or not to go exercising later..

Ugh.

I just want to be thinner tomorrow.

Is that such a bad thing?

I have to realize, that I may need to fight against myself.
Fight against my mindset. 

It wants to bring me down.

I have to check myself constantly.

It's crucial that I keep my carb count up, for the sake of the future. 

For the sake of permanent and continual weight loss.

But the eating disordered side of me wants to get rid of it all, 

to starve in the most innate sense of the world.

It's a sick mindset that taints everything I do.

But I must focus.

Without control, what else do I have?

Vice

My head is aching.

I wonder if this is what dying feels like?

It's the end of the day, and I'm weighing in at the same weight I was this morning.

This is a very, very good thing.

It means guaranteed weight loss tomorrow...

Which is the only thing I ever ask.

I think I'm going to sleep now, so my body will stop aching.

Intake:

1/3 cup assorted nuts 

1/2 cup almond milk

1/3 cup egg whites

2 slices turkey breast

1/2 can tuna

Ecstatic

110.4

I'm over the fucking moon.

Turns out, I had about 12 g carbs yesterday...

And I'm still in ketosis.

This is fucking amazing news.

So from now on, I must have at least 10-ish grams of carbs (I can have my beloved fruits!) each day.

This is instead of the usual as-closest-to-zero-carbs as I can get, which has been the past week and a half.

I was deathly afraid that the little carbs I had would knock me out of ketosis, and cause me to gain 2 pounds. I'm not going to lie, I'd probably cry.

So all in all, this morning is going well.
I have high hopes for today.

Hell, I have high hopes for forever.

Focus

Intake:

2 slices mozzarella cheese

3/4 handful of assorted nuts

1/2 cup almond milk

1 slice turkey breast

1 thumb tip sized banana piece

More carbs than usual, so we'll see how that affects my weight tomorrow.

Not too much to say- Just slightly nervous about tomorrow.

Slight

111.2

Today, I have achieved a slight victory.

I'm at my lowest weight in two years.

It tastes sweet, but not sweet enough. 

Not yet.

I want it all.

I want thin.

And I won't stop, not until I have it.

~

There was a humongous blow out at my house last night.

Hurtful things were said.

Tempers flared.

And in the end, I burned.

I'm so tired of the fighting.

My family and I have fought over the same things, for the past six years.

Nothing's changed.
Same shit, different day.

It's so tiring.

My soul hurts.

~

Today was a field day thing at my school, which involved lots of walking/running.

I made the calculated decision of eating one kuckle width piece of banana, to prevent passing out. Which, according to my calculations, is about 2 grams carbs.

And then I had 1/2 cup almond milk this morning.

I almost puked while trying to eat this morning... I have no idea why.

My stomach was extremely sensitive.

My stomach finally feels empty, thanks to all those laxies.

I was quite pleased with the number on the scale this morning.

~

Here's where I have to make a decision. To refeed now, or to wait.

I have to execute this with utmost precision...

I think I'll decide on Wednesday.

Until then, I'm just going to sit here.

That sounds good.

Tonight

Tonight, I am sincerely going to bed hungry.

Normally, I've eaten enough protein that this isn't an issue-

but tonight, that is not the case.

My stomach is rumbling, and I love it.

Granted, this will affect my BMR in the long run, and how many calories I burn on a day to day basis...

But fuck it.
I need to be thinner tomorrow.

This .2 lb difference thing is fucking killing me.

Though perhaps, if i could shit, that wouldn't be such a problem...

Ugh.

~

Ten.

That's how many laxatives I've taken today.

Ten.

I do believe, I'm dumb as fuck.

More

So.

Here I sit.

Not entirely content, not yet.

Not really happy, at all.

Sure, I'm thankful.

I appreciate every blessed pound I am away from my highest weight...

But somehow....

~

It's almost a vanity.

Others constantly eat, adding more and more to their waistlines...

Girls whine, wanting to lose weight but never doing anything about it.

Guys stare, they never knew what else to do...

I'm a snob.

I'll have my venti sugar free light no whip cream Caramel Frappucino, and shove it in your face.

I have no pity.

In a sense, I guess I understand my ways.

I have no pity, because I was there, I was at that size.

And now, I'm not.

It doesn't take a whole lot to fucking do something about it.

It's not about being eating disordered.

Hell, that's only hindered my weight loss attempts in the past.

No, this is about determination.

Wanting something more than you've ever wanted anything in your life.

You want thin legs, that slide into 00s.

You want a flat stomach, taut and taunting...

You want stares, "Who is that girl?"

You have to want it.

And if you don't, 

well, 

then why are you here?

Intake:

1 mozzarella cheese stick

2 slices mozzarella chees

1/3 cup of egg whites

Barely

112.6

Down weight, but barely.

Still haven't crapped in awhile.

Will probably take some more laxatives...

I mean, who needs properly functioning internal organs?

I'm really flipping out.
My grades are slipping, because I suck at life.
I need to focus better- I'm a very smart kid.

My goal is to get into UCLA, to pursue an degree in acting in the beautiful state of California.
Acting is my passion.
I don't even care if I'm broke for the rest of my life, as long as I'm acting, I'll be content.

It's my junior year.
My life is almost starting.
And I need to act like it, god damn it.


"It doesn't take much to be a success- It takes everything."

Esperanza

Today marks one week since I started again on my weight loss voyage.

Seven pounds down, exactly.

I'm feeling pretty decent about that.

If I keep pushing through, I'll make it...

~

There are so many clothes in my closet that I wish to wear, but have not/will not for many reasons.

Either, I look to fat in them, I feel to fat in them, or they genuinely do not fit...

Regardless of why, 2/3 of my closet experiences this phenomena.

But slowly, slowly, I am fitting into my jeans more...

The shirts are fitting looser...

Everything generally looks better.

~

I want to maximize my weight loss from today...

But I can't bring myself to do any exercise.

I'm intensely afraid of passing out, but more than anything, I just don't want to move.

Fuck everything else.

I like my bed, I like my thinspo.

My starving stomach doesn't even bother me.

After awhile, you don't even notice/acknowledge it anymore.

It just sort of becomes you.

But deary, is that what you want?

Intake:

3 slices mozzarella cheese

1/3 cup of egg whites

2 cans tuna w/ slight mayo

Traipse.

112.8

Fuck yes.

Plateau, consider yourself broken.

I'm feeling much thinner, in regards to my stomach fat.

It's melting away, slowly but surely...

One pound at a time.

Quite frankly, I'm ecstatic.

When I hit that 110 mark, I'm going to be over the moon. 

I just gotta keep on trekking forward.

It just goes to show, that every little right decision you make,

(No matter how small you think it is)

contributes to a larger cosmic whole that will eventually make you skinny.

Okay, maybe it doesn't happen exactly like that...

So I promise promise promise, that at 108, I'll take progress pictures to share with you guys.

<3

I don't count calories right now, which is a blessing in disguise.

I fucking hate it, because it makes me neurotic-

the OCD-like nature that counting naturally has only exacerbates my eating disordered thoughts...

Something I can't really afford.

Because sometimes, chicas, it's your eating disorder that's stopping you from losing the weight.

Think about it.

I used to see everything in black and white, either I'd done ethereally amazing in my dietary habits one day, or I was a fucked up fucking failure for screwing up in one place, to which I'd then binge away without a care- I was already a fat slob. And a fat, hungry slob at that.

Not anymore.

As I grew in my ED, and my mentality matured....

I realized what needed to be done.

Aesthetics are crucial in the industry I want to be in.
As an actress, you're outward appearance is all that matters.

And I will be as damn close to perfect as I can be.

<3 

Pertinent

I'm so ready for this.

To have seen the weight drop, tomorrow morning...

It's what I live for.

It's evening now, and I just weighed myself...

The same weight I was this morning.

This is a good sign, a very good sign.

I can feel my body, and I just know that I've lost some fat.

The size 1 shorts i bought the other day, are fitting loser around my thighs.

And what's filling the gaps instead?

Success.

In life, if you don't have determination, you have nothing.

Not a single thing.

Intake:

2 slices mozzarella cheese

1 salad w/ turkey bits and grated cheese

1/2 cup tuna w/ light mayonnaise

~

And I'm not even hungry.

Thank you ketosis.

So I found out something quite interesting today...

For every 45 grams of food you eat, you gain .1 lbs in direct food weight.

So next time you stress out, just remember, you have food weight in your tummy that your body still hasn't dealt with. So calm down, everything will be alright.

(:

I promise!

Frustration

Plateau.

I'm fuming.

I've plateau'd out, for the second day in a row.

I'm obviously fucking up somewhere diet-wise, that I haven't noticed.

So far today, I haven't eaten anything.
Desperate times, desperate measures, blah blah blah blah....

Normally I'd have eaten some form of breakfast by now.
But nah, fuck that.
What do I want?
A breakfast burrito, or a thigh gap?
No. Fucking. Brainer.

But why oh why must I have the attention span of a dead squirrel?
I need to focus.
Focus, focus, focus.
As if somehow by saying the word over and over again, I'll miraculously be 99 lbs.

Often times, I've thought to myself.
What if I just woke up one day, at my goal weight?
Personally, I'd flip a dick.
I want, no, need to work for my achievements.
I almost need the sick self-hatred.
And that thought sickens me more than anything else.

Encore

She tries harder than the average teen, 

an over-achiever with low self-esteem...

Wants to look like a star, but she takes it too far...

She's never good enough.

~

Dinner was swell.

However, I'm feeling a little finicky about the six or so slices of zucchini I had....
I'm really hoping to god that I've still lost weight tomorrow.
I just might cry if I haven't.

The demons within, they call...

I find such solace in his eyes. 

He is the yin to my yang.

He teaches me to be better... 

With him, I want to be better.

I look at my reflection, and all I can see is the spare tire around my waist.

My stomach is a square, unflatteringly swimming in fat.

My thighs are humongous, calves squishy.

I'm itching to be out of my own body.

But I'm so close, I feel it.

The plateaus are killer.

But I'll make it.

This, I know.

I will win.

Indeed.

~

Intake:

1/2 cup scrambled eggs

2 small sausage patties

salad w/ turkey chunks

egg white

7 oz smoked salmon

1 piece broccoli

6 pieces sliced zucchini

Seduction

I'm very excited. 

I shall have to be getting ready, pretty soon here.

I am preparing for an evening out with the boyfriend.

However, a couple of things are wrong.

I'm still fat.

Mainly, I just mentally kick myself in the rear end for ever regaining any weight.

But hey, at least I'm getting somewhere, somehow.

It shouldn't be too long now.

We're going out, to eat.
That's right.

To eat.

Normally, those words would be a death sentence...

But not for me.

I've learned too much through my eating disordered years.

Tonight, I shall be dining on salmon, the wonder fish.

Plenty of lovely vitamins to keep me healthy, copious amounts of protein, and zero carbs.

Zero. Carbs.

Those words are music to my ears.

I think I knocked myself out of ketosis yesterday but having a coke zero, which has aspartame.

Fuck my life, if I did. Or maybe I'm close to my period.

The bitch tends to be irregular these days, and probably would royally fuck me like that.

But it's quite alright.

I'm getting thinner, even if it's just one pound at a time....

or half....

or quarter....

Fuck.

I never did have any patience.

I think, I could very well kill for some coffee right now.