Barely

112.6

Down weight, but barely.

Still haven't crapped in awhile.

Will probably take some more laxatives...

I mean, who needs properly functioning internal organs?

I'm really flipping out.
My grades are slipping, because I suck at life.
I need to focus better- I'm a very smart kid.

My goal is to get into UCLA, to pursue an degree in acting in the beautiful state of California.
Acting is my passion.
I don't even care if I'm broke for the rest of my life, as long as I'm acting, I'll be content.

It's my junior year.
My life is almost starting.
And I need to act like it, god damn it.


"It doesn't take much to be a success- It takes everything."

Esperanza

Today marks one week since I started again on my weight loss voyage.

Seven pounds down, exactly.

I'm feeling pretty decent about that.

If I keep pushing through, I'll make it...

~

There are so many clothes in my closet that I wish to wear, but have not/will not for many reasons.

Either, I look to fat in them, I feel to fat in them, or they genuinely do not fit...

Regardless of why, 2/3 of my closet experiences this phenomena.

But slowly, slowly, I am fitting into my jeans more...

The shirts are fitting looser...

Everything generally looks better.

~

I want to maximize my weight loss from today...

But I can't bring myself to do any exercise.

I'm intensely afraid of passing out, but more than anything, I just don't want to move.

Fuck everything else.

I like my bed, I like my thinspo.

My starving stomach doesn't even bother me.

After awhile, you don't even notice/acknowledge it anymore.

It just sort of becomes you.

But deary, is that what you want?

Intake:

3 slices mozzarella cheese

1/3 cup of egg whites

2 cans tuna w/ slight mayo

Traipse.

112.8

Fuck yes.

Plateau, consider yourself broken.

I'm feeling much thinner, in regards to my stomach fat.

It's melting away, slowly but surely...

One pound at a time.

Quite frankly, I'm ecstatic.

When I hit that 110 mark, I'm going to be over the moon. 

I just gotta keep on trekking forward.

It just goes to show, that every little right decision you make,

(No matter how small you think it is)

contributes to a larger cosmic whole that will eventually make you skinny.

Okay, maybe it doesn't happen exactly like that...

So I promise promise promise, that at 108, I'll take progress pictures to share with you guys.

<3

I don't count calories right now, which is a blessing in disguise.

I fucking hate it, because it makes me neurotic-

the OCD-like nature that counting naturally has only exacerbates my eating disordered thoughts...

Something I can't really afford.

Because sometimes, chicas, it's your eating disorder that's stopping you from losing the weight.

Think about it.

I used to see everything in black and white, either I'd done ethereally amazing in my dietary habits one day, or I was a fucked up fucking failure for screwing up in one place, to which I'd then binge away without a care- I was already a fat slob. And a fat, hungry slob at that.

Not anymore.

As I grew in my ED, and my mentality matured....

I realized what needed to be done.

Aesthetics are crucial in the industry I want to be in.
As an actress, you're outward appearance is all that matters.

And I will be as damn close to perfect as I can be.

<3 

Pertinent

I'm so ready for this.

To have seen the weight drop, tomorrow morning...

It's what I live for.

It's evening now, and I just weighed myself...

The same weight I was this morning.

This is a good sign, a very good sign.

I can feel my body, and I just know that I've lost some fat.

The size 1 shorts i bought the other day, are fitting loser around my thighs.

And what's filling the gaps instead?

Success.

In life, if you don't have determination, you have nothing.

Not a single thing.

Intake:

2 slices mozzarella cheese

1 salad w/ turkey bits and grated cheese

1/2 cup tuna w/ light mayonnaise

~

And I'm not even hungry.

Thank you ketosis.

So I found out something quite interesting today...

For every 45 grams of food you eat, you gain .1 lbs in direct food weight.

So next time you stress out, just remember, you have food weight in your tummy that your body still hasn't dealt with. So calm down, everything will be alright.

(:

I promise!

Frustration

Plateau.

I'm fuming.

I've plateau'd out, for the second day in a row.

I'm obviously fucking up somewhere diet-wise, that I haven't noticed.

So far today, I haven't eaten anything.
Desperate times, desperate measures, blah blah blah blah....

Normally I'd have eaten some form of breakfast by now.
But nah, fuck that.
What do I want?
A breakfast burrito, or a thigh gap?
No. Fucking. Brainer.

But why oh why must I have the attention span of a dead squirrel?
I need to focus.
Focus, focus, focus.
As if somehow by saying the word over and over again, I'll miraculously be 99 lbs.

Often times, I've thought to myself.
What if I just woke up one day, at my goal weight?
Personally, I'd flip a dick.
I want, no, need to work for my achievements.
I almost need the sick self-hatred.
And that thought sickens me more than anything else.

Encore

She tries harder than the average teen, 

an over-achiever with low self-esteem...

Wants to look like a star, but she takes it too far...

She's never good enough.

~

Dinner was swell.

However, I'm feeling a little finicky about the six or so slices of zucchini I had....
I'm really hoping to god that I've still lost weight tomorrow.
I just might cry if I haven't.

The demons within, they call...

I find such solace in his eyes. 

He is the yin to my yang.

He teaches me to be better... 

With him, I want to be better.

I look at my reflection, and all I can see is the spare tire around my waist.

My stomach is a square, unflatteringly swimming in fat.

My thighs are humongous, calves squishy.

I'm itching to be out of my own body.

But I'm so close, I feel it.

The plateaus are killer.

But I'll make it.

This, I know.

I will win.

Indeed.

~

Intake:

1/2 cup scrambled eggs

2 small sausage patties

salad w/ turkey chunks

egg white

7 oz smoked salmon

1 piece broccoli

6 pieces sliced zucchini

Seduction

I'm very excited. 

I shall have to be getting ready, pretty soon here.

I am preparing for an evening out with the boyfriend.

However, a couple of things are wrong.

I'm still fat.

Mainly, I just mentally kick myself in the rear end for ever regaining any weight.

But hey, at least I'm getting somewhere, somehow.

It shouldn't be too long now.

We're going out, to eat.
That's right.

To eat.

Normally, those words would be a death sentence...

But not for me.

I've learned too much through my eating disordered years.

Tonight, I shall be dining on salmon, the wonder fish.

Plenty of lovely vitamins to keep me healthy, copious amounts of protein, and zero carbs.

Zero. Carbs.

Those words are music to my ears.

I think I knocked myself out of ketosis yesterday but having a coke zero, which has aspartame.

Fuck my life, if I did. Or maybe I'm close to my period.

The bitch tends to be irregular these days, and probably would royally fuck me like that.

But it's quite alright.

I'm getting thinner, even if it's just one pound at a time....

or half....

or quarter....

Fuck.

I never did have any patience.

I think, I could very well kill for some coffee right now.