Disquiet

It started quite simply.

I was thinking of my day, doing but a simple recap... When it took hold of me.

With not a single warning, my conscious thought were flooded with fear.

"What if I've had too much..."

It started in first person, perhaps this was just a form of mental clarification.

But then it turned more... Malicious.

"Don't kiss him, he just ate spaghetti...That's carbs."

Completely irrational fears I know I should not be having.

But we've all come to the point, where we stared down at our sinks in the morning...

And wondered just what the calorie content of our tooth paste was.

It affects us all.

Or at least that's what I tell myself.

I was merely going about my day, when it hit me like a wrecking ball to a smart car.

I was staring at myself in a (god forbid) full-length mirror, and I thought to myself...

"Wow. You really managed to fuck this shit up. And you know what else is going to happen? You are going to attempt to fix this aforementioned fuck up... And only make everything worse."

I am my own worst enemy.

That's the way it always has been, and things are unlikely to change.

It just hurts me, because I know I might hurt others...

And especially the ones that care.

Maybe this satanic inner dialogue developed a long time ago, but just how did it come to be?

To exist so frankly, in my mind...

Who planted the seed?

I have a saying that I like to perpetuate when people come to me and ask me,

"Hey, what makes you so different? What have YOU gone through, to make you like this?"

I give them but one metaphor, in regards to the shape of my current personality.

My environment loaded the gun, and my mindset pulled the trigger.

And just like that, all my problems and ideas are tucked away tidily into a cute little metaphor, that hides a more sinister truth. But sometimes we just have to let these things be.

~

I stared around the kitchen, my eyes glancing over the carved wooden cupboards, up to the decoratoinal plates that lined the ceiling. My stomach was making a sort of strangled chipmunk sound, and then I knew it.

I was hungry.

I headed to the cupboard, and stared in, frantic.

Chicken noodle soup. Too much sodium... Uneeded carbohydrates.

Baked beans. Hmm, complex carbohydrates.../flips can over/ 29 grams of sugar?*mini diabetic coma*

This continues for a good ten minutes, everything validated and just as quickly tossed aside.

And then I think to myself.

For some reason, I get the insane idea that I over ate today.

And then the true insanity begins.

I almost started crying, my mind was in a rush.

OhpleaseohpleasenoIdon'twanttohavegoneovermycalories

NononoIdon'twanttopurge,pleasetakeitallbackIdon'twantit

Incessant thoughts poured through my mind, as I decided to take a seat out of the kitchen.

My eyes were greying in at the edges, and the lights were aggravating a headache.

Slowly, as my mind quieted... I went over my day.

310 calories.

That's all I had consumed.

Three hundred ten.

What's happening to me?