Menagerie.

So when he asked the question, "Why'd you bother to lie?"

"I just wanted something good enough to hide..."

I can feel it.

My days are on the edge of blurring.

That sensation, when every day melds haplessly into the next.
The very idea that just may drive me insane.
I want to fly.

To be free.
To be defined, by the lines of nothing and everything.
Where every intrepid notion that was every thought meets every idea that was never realized, in that realm where ego infects thought, and thought infects mind.
We always see thoughts and actions as a separate duality, that do not and can not exist in the same vein.
But what if it's all connected?

Strangely, it's not strangling.
This time, the blurring is almost... Comforting.

Before, perhaps it was a coping mechanism...
Suffering finds its own way to cope with happiness.
But now, these days blur, happily.
Contentedly.

Is that not all we ask?

~

My time's being spent wiser, and the scale is inching downwards.
I'm keeping a diary of all my foods, calorie contents and nutrients.
If you play hard, you win hard.

I just don't want to go home...
I am afraid of where my heart lies.

And I know it's not at 122.

Self- Fulfilling

Right now, I'm getting over a serious bout of the flu.

More weight has been lost, thank whatever-Gods-are-out-there.

I'm proceeding much slower now then I ever have before...

I have to consciously tell myself not to freak out, as I am so prone to do.

These days, I'm thinking more and more of my future.

I know I'm going into the United States Military, that much is certain.

It's just the how that gets me.

My biggest fear used to die a failure.

Now, it's the fear of me living in it.

Fear, is sort of like that.

Surprises you, denies you.

Turns you into that shell of a person you were afraid of becoming in the first place.

It's own self-fulfilling prophecy.

~

Hopefully, I'll spend tonight with the boyfriend...

I really do miss him.

Pretty soon here, it'll be four months.

With him, I look forward to the future.

"Do not live in the past.

Rejoice, because you have a future...

Which is more than most."

Clutch.

Progress is being made, I am more than happy to report.

I guess the reason why it's even being made at all, is because I've always had this ideal in my mind of what and how a skinny girl eats. 

I'd always told myself, I'll eat like that when I'm thin...

But then it dawned on me.

That is hella backwards.

So now I'm eating as such, until I'm thin.

1085 is my set limit these days. 

I figure, get the most out of my metabolism.

Right now, my body is set to be handling 1900 calorie days.

By weaning myself off, rather than full out restricting or (god forbid) fasting, I'm manipulating my body to its fullest. It's low impact on my mentality, and relatively easy.

I'll ride that wave out, until my metabolism adjusts and I hit a plateau.

When such an event happens, I pull out the big guns.

We'll see how it goes.

Au revoir.

White Shadows

I wish I had explanations.

But, because I have very few answers to my copious amounts of questions...

It's also the very source of my pain, at times.

Life comes at you fast.

Faster, than you ever want it too.

Blink and your life passes you by.

I just don't want to be caught...

Caught in what could've been, of what I feel was cheated from me...

I am the person I am for a reason.

And goddamnit, that is what I'll tell myself.

Because I don't think I could stand it otherwise.

~

Why do I keep coming back?

To elaborate on my current plan a little, I'm going to be cutting back, and staying away from fatty foods in a rather safe manner until I hit 118, with no major restrictions or dietary weirdness.

Then, when I hit 118, I'll be doing a modified low carb diet to suit my needs, until I hit 110.

That's the only thing I'm worrying about right now.

Perhaps that is the real issue.

Undisposed.

I don't want to talk about it. 

Hell, I don't even want to think.

Here I am... Again.

Slower, Aniela.

Slower.

The idea for now?

It involves a lot of sugar free nonfat vanilla iced lattes.

I'm still in this race.

Just, slower....