Once again

Today I find myself once again at a plateau.

My mind is obscured and heavy, and raising my arms for too long makes me very tired.

However, I ended up biking home from work.

At least I'm burning calories.

I've made it to day eight.

We'll just have to see where the next week brings me.

~

Now that I'm nearing the end of this psychotic stint, I am starting to further speculate on how I will continue to lose, and eventually maintian, weight.

Right now, is all about low calorie, high protein, and almost zero carbohydrates.

However, I've found this should not be utilized for too long of a period of time, because it's a real mood killer. Candy and cake just seem impractical now.

Sugar weighs down the body, slows down all the processes.

I'll come to a more solid conclusion eventually...

When I can actually think.

Which shouldn't be for about another five days.

Solace



119.1

Laying in his arms completes me.

We talked about it all, of what had come to pass and what was yet unknown.

Of life, fears and lies.

Of times when I didn't have to cry, and of times where crying was the only solace I could afford.

I was not alone.

It's all about fighting the urges.

To eat, not to eat, to purge... To run, to fear, to hide, to lie...

These conflictions are the very burdens of our souls.

But for what do we fight?

I believe we must all answer this question.

Today, which is now tomorrow in my part of the hemispheres, was the end of day seven.

Six more to go, and I'm feeling pretty confident.

~

I think one of the most monumental times in my life was realizing that I didn't have to hurt.

But I had dwelled in it so long, after finally encountering happiness, all I wanted to do was to return back to the solace of my misery. It's this idea that my eating disorder feeds off of.

However, there's one thing I'm afraid of. Everything is going wonderful in my life, but I'm relapsing.

These are two conflictions.

And I don't want to lose one or the other.

Decisions, decisions.

What am I talking about. I never had a choice.

Or a chance, for that matter.

How do you define such a thing?

Disquiet

It started quite simply.

I was thinking of my day, doing but a simple recap... When it took hold of me.

With not a single warning, my conscious thought were flooded with fear.

"What if I've had too much..."

It started in first person, perhaps this was just a form of mental clarification.

But then it turned more... Malicious.

"Don't kiss him, he just ate spaghetti...That's carbs."

Completely irrational fears I know I should not be having.

But we've all come to the point, where we stared down at our sinks in the morning...

And wondered just what the calorie content of our tooth paste was.

It affects us all.

Or at least that's what I tell myself.

I was merely going about my day, when it hit me like a wrecking ball to a smart car.

I was staring at myself in a (god forbid) full-length mirror, and I thought to myself...

"Wow. You really managed to fuck this shit up. And you know what else is going to happen? You are going to attempt to fix this aforementioned fuck up... And only make everything worse."

I am my own worst enemy.

That's the way it always has been, and things are unlikely to change.

It just hurts me, because I know I might hurt others...

And especially the ones that care.

Maybe this satanic inner dialogue developed a long time ago, but just how did it come to be?

To exist so frankly, in my mind...

Who planted the seed?

I have a saying that I like to perpetuate when people come to me and ask me,

"Hey, what makes you so different? What have YOU gone through, to make you like this?"

I give them but one metaphor, in regards to the shape of my current personality.

My environment loaded the gun, and my mindset pulled the trigger.

And just like that, all my problems and ideas are tucked away tidily into a cute little metaphor, that hides a more sinister truth. But sometimes we just have to let these things be.

~

I stared around the kitchen, my eyes glancing over the carved wooden cupboards, up to the decoratoinal plates that lined the ceiling. My stomach was making a sort of strangled chipmunk sound, and then I knew it.

I was hungry.

I headed to the cupboard, and stared in, frantic.

Chicken noodle soup. Too much sodium... Uneeded carbohydrates.

Baked beans. Hmm, complex carbohydrates.../flips can over/ 29 grams of sugar?*mini diabetic coma*

This continues for a good ten minutes, everything validated and just as quickly tossed aside.

And then I think to myself.

For some reason, I get the insane idea that I over ate today.

And then the true insanity begins.

I almost started crying, my mind was in a rush.

OhpleaseohpleasenoIdon'twanttohavegoneovermycalories

NononoIdon'twanttopurge,pleasetakeitallbackIdon'twantit

Incessant thoughts poured through my mind, as I decided to take a seat out of the kitchen.

My eyes were greying in at the edges, and the lights were aggravating a headache.

Slowly, as my mind quieted... I went over my day.

310 calories.

That's all I had consumed.

Three hundred ten.

What's happening to me?

Frozen

 119.6

I'm very cold right now.

I haven't seen this number in a good long while...

Perhaps I'll post progress pictures soon.

I'm noticing some differences in how my body looks... So we'll see.

It's day six for me, and ketosis isn't letting me think too clearly.

But everything has a cost...

I'm just willing to pay the price.

                                

Empty.

I am the empty space inside my mind.

It's almost time for my last meal of the day, which today consists of steak and steamed celery.

Mmm, steak.

I never was much of a meat person, even to the point that I had been vegan for almost a year of my life (which I loved) but unfortunately there is no vegetarian option to the Copenhagen.

My mind is tired.

~

Sometimes I wonder what it would've been like if I'd have a father.

Someone to love me unconditionally, for me to be doted on by... For the threats you know are sure to come if any guys step more than five feet close to you.

You know... A dad.

But in life, I was not granted such.

Maybe I should start looking at what I do have in life, and being more grateful.

It's just sometimes, I don't know...

I ran away from home once.

Not in the literal, backpack slung over my shoulder, living-on-the-streets sorta way...

No, instead I ran away to live with my biololgical father (^aforementioned scum bag), thinking any life was better than this one.

I was wrong.

My ED spiralled into a deeper existence while I lived in New Zealand...

Away from friends, family, anyone who cared about me.

Two years and $3,000 USD later... I'm home.

And all I can think of is how great it would be to starve again, like I did over there.

Selfish. Conniving. Bitch.

These words echo in my head.

Are we more than flesh and blood?

The Copenhagen Specifics

            The Copenhagen is the current eating plan I am on, on which I have been to lose six pounds (so far) in the past four days. It consists of a high protein diet that changes the body's metabolism, so instead of burning the food you ate, the body in turn burns your excess adipose tissue (fat).

This state is state called ketosis.

The regimen is strict, and must be followed TO THE TEE.

The only exchanges allowed to be made are coffe/tea.

So, here you go:)

                    The Copenhagen Specific                                      

1st and 8th Day:
Morning: 1 cup of coffee and 1 sugar cube.
Afternoon: 2 hard boiled eggs with lots of spinach and one tomato.
Evening: 200 gram steak with lettuce and lemon.

2nd and 9th Day:
Morning: 1 cup coffee and 1 sugar cube.
Afternoon: 200 gram steak with lettuce and fresh fruit (orange).
Evening: 200 gram ham and one glass of yoghurt without sugar.

3rd and 10th Day:
Morning: 1 cup black coffee with one sugar cube and 1 slices of toast.
Afternoon: Steamed celery with one tomato and fresh fruit (orange).
Evening: 2 hard boiled eggs and 200 gram ham with lettuce, oil and lemon.

4th and 11th Day:
Morning: 1 cup black coffee with one sugar cube and 1 slices of toast.
Afternoon: 1 hard boiled egg, one carrot and60 gram of Dutch cheese.
Evening: 1 can of fruit salad and one glass of yoghurt without sugar.

5th and 12th Day:
Morning: One grated carrot with lemon.
Afternoon: One large slice of lean fish with lemon and some butter sauce.
Evening: 200 gram steak with lettuce, boiled cellery and fennel.

6th and 13th Day:
Morning: 1 cup coffee without sugar and one slices of toast.
Afternoon: 1 slice of chicken with lettuce, oil and lemon.
Evening: 2 hard boiled eggs and one grated carrot.

Day 7:
Morning: 1 cup of tea without sugar.
Afternoon: 200 gram grilled meat (lamb chops) and fresh fruit.
Evening: Nothing.

 

        Today is day five for me.

Overall, the plan says you can lose from 13 to 22 pounds on this plan (depending on how much extra weight you carry). This diet MUST NOT BE CONDUCTED LONGER THAN THIRTEEN DAYS.

And, if you have any questions, feel free to ask.

I only bite on days that end in "y".

:)

Broken.

120.4

I broke my pleatuea...

              It's so strange, walking around with a full stomach- but still having minor grey outs and headaches like I've been fasting for four plus days.

         It's very strange. My overall weightloss since this Monday, (today's Thursday for me), has been 5.6 pounds.

From 126, to 120.4

I'm still much heavier than I'd like to be.

But hey, isn't that the way these things work?

I must say though, this is the most amount of weight I've lost in such a short amount of time- And I'm not even fasting. It's just slightly strange to me.

I'm down 13 pounds from my starting weight of 133, about three weeks ago.

I'm tired of being fat, and being miserable for it.

Because, I stand at a mere 5 feet tall (153 centimetres for all you metric countries out there :p)

Which is tiny.

...Unlike the rest of me.

Today's breakfast was definitely gag worthy, consisting of grated carrot and lemon.

*heaves*

Ick. I do not recommend.

Oh, the things we do...

This is day five.

These fears are mine

Don't deceive yourself.

I plateaued today.

I tried to console myself, but there was still a part of me that wanted to scream.

I'm on day four of the Copenhagen, and still going strong. I can tell my body's in ketosis,

because I no longer feel hungry... And my pee smells fruity.

Weird, I know.

It's Wednesday over here, and my devilish self will be heading off to church soon.

Yeah, you heard right- Church.

I'm almost completely certain one of these days, I'm going to be positively struck by lightning right where I stand. I used to have very strong faith, but as the years passed... It just, faded.

In part, because I saw how much history had been manipulated for just that sake in history. It struck me as positively horrendous.

But I have a secret.

Sometimes, I catch myself praying.

And it scares me. What if there is something more?

Something bigger than me?

But I can't think of such things. I guess, in a sense, this is why I love the band Coldplay so much.

They gave me something to believe in, bigger than myself. Something I can stand in awe of.

A chance to feel.

All I ever wanted was a chance.

~

Today the day has been passing rather lovely. I fell asleep on a picnic table at lunch, with the warm sun on my back, to memories I didn't know existed.

A smiling child, with a sparkle in her eyes.

Oh, these days long gone by... Still they haunt me.

You know, in some sick way, it's like my hunger consoles me.

When I'm hungry, I don't have to think.

When I'm hungry, I don't have to feel.

No wonder hunger is a couple steps from death.

I'm hoping for a lower number tomorrow... But hey, aren't we all?

I laugh in the face of deceit.

You thought you were alive, didn't you?

     

Fading.

Please tell me I'm not lost.

 Don't look to hard, I'm not really here.

I remember those days so vividly.

If only you and I were us.

You tread on the edge of my consciousness.

Was I ever truly here?

What have I become?

Double take

          
        

        
      I think one of my biggest fears in life is fading. Of all the things I'm afraid of, it's this one that has me in a chokehold. I'm afraid of never actually realizing my potential. We are capable of so much as humans, but how much of that do we ever tap into? Yet we are the only species that commits suicide.

    It's like that one thing in life, that forever changes your perspective. Things you used to be sure of before, no longer hold as much meaning- Or signify quite the same thing anymore. For some, it's being called fat. Perhaps losing a loved one. Maybe even realizing what you once had, wasn't so great in the first place. Then somewhere along the line, we lose hope. After being told for so long that we "can't" and we "couldn't", we commited the most heinous of crimes; we started to believe them. We started to believe that we couldn't amount to much. It all starts with losing hope. But there is a limitless world out there, full of possibilities which anyone and everyone can actualize. Believe in the world, but more than that- Believe in yourself.

            Because no matter what you go through in life, you still have one critical upper hand. Choice.
    You can choose to be happy.
               No longer having to wait for anyone's approval, constantly hurting inside-always wanting to reach out, but never grasping far enough. No longer do you have to be imprisoned to what you feel you can't do.
          Choose, just choose.

      There is life for the taking.

Don't dream

           

             

                  121.9
 I'm in Anatomy and Physiology Honors, blueberry tea in one hand, textbook in the other, feeling for the most part like a studious collegiate... But the mirage ends there.
    Inside my mind, I'm buzzing. Not literally, (it MAY be 5 o' clock somewhere...) but more in a figurative sense. I'm running on three hours of sleep.
     
     Last night, in an insane bout of youtube clips from the Lion King, I found myself crying... And pretty heavily at that. I ended up calling The Boyfriend, at 3 am in the goddamn morning, to which he answered. He sounded understandably groggy, but within realizing who it was soon became more alert. I just wanted, no, needed to let him know how much I love him.

   I have a major headache, most likely from the lack of sleep...
Oh, if only I could sleep and not dream...

Copenhagen

            So I can't sleep. To be honest, I haven't really tried. So I just thought I'd explain a little bit about the diet I'm currently (for the next 11 days) testing out.
      
      Now first, let me say, I am normally the first person to speak out against the idea of "diets". I think that for the most part they are positively atrocious... But this particular one caught my eye. It's called the Copenhagen Diet, or the Thirteen Day Diet. It consists of very specific meal menus for thirteen consecutive days, that must be followed PRECISELY. It's supposed to involve calorie cycling along with some other mumbo jumbo I've been trying to decipher, and the result is that participants lose anywhere from 13 to 22 pounds in 13 days.
        Now, stop me before I sounds like a cheesy TV weightloss ad... (for just twenty three payments of  76.99...) But when I read this, I put on a very distinguished D: face. How is that even possible? But I researched, and EVERY SINGLE POST I READ the person lost ginormous amounts of weight, except for one girl who admitted to cheating every day (sigh). Now forgive me for this not being very substantial scientific proof, but my eating disordered mind found that as proof enough.
               Currently, I'm on the second day of the diet. I started at 126.8, and am currently 122.8. Crazy, right? We'll just have to see where the next eleven days take me.

      

   

Don't Reminisce

       I just got back from the boyfriend's house, where me and a couple friends all ignored the 5 o' clock rule, and played quite a few rounds of beer pong. Pretty soon, everyone was feeling pretty good (I abstained, Tee hee!) and I commenced in dragging my boyfriend to his bedroom... and well.... You can guess the rest. ;)

    And now I'm home, munching on dinner for today, reminiscing. On what is anyone's guess. Tomorrow is the start of the last quarter of my sophomore year...  Yeah, no pressure or anything. Life's passing so quickly.
  I'm going to blink and be fourty.
          My mother's on a rampage, Lord knows why. She's upset at the world.

  They say eating disorders are inherited. Once upon a time, when I tried to explain this to my mother, she took it as me blaming her. She yelled at me, and said why couldn't I just own up to my attempts at attention whoring. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother... But she is the single most person who has hurt me the greatest in this world.

           While I was living in New Zealand, with the biological sperm donor and his fat fuck I mean wife, I was the single most saddest person on this earth. I had no life, no light. Stolen by my circumstances, aggravated by my hopelessness. I rarely ate. I sat at 99 pounds, on the same height I've been since I was twelve years old... And I still felt fat. I remember, at 99 pounds, my thighs finally did not touch. But it was a small victory amongst so much sadness.
      It's startling to reminisce.

   

The Mourning Sun

                       

                           122.8
    It's as if even the sun knows our pain.
              I'm down from 124.4 yesterday, and entire (does quick math again) 1.6 pounds. I gotta say, that's pretty fucking decent for eating two meals. Today's day two of the Copenhagen, and pretty soon here I'm going to head out to the store to buy today's menu. Pretty sound investment, if you ask me.

       I'm sipping on blueberry tea with a tsp natural cane sugar, feeling quite artistic. My stomach isn't growling, but my head is throbbing.

   The Boyfriend is throwing another party this Friday. Except, I'm not drinking. I can't eat anything besides what's on the menu. But I'm not going to explain that to him... He'd flip out because I was on any diet at all.
  But, as EnglishRose pointed out... At lease he cares.

   It's just hard to acknowledge the consideration of others for something you yourself don't appreciate.

  Bleh. I still cringe at the tea... Even though it's not THAT bad. :p

      I'm wondering what weight I'll be at tomorrow. But we'll just have to see.

But it's about time for me to head off to the store. Wonderful day, my lovelies :)

Enter Midnight

      

   So it's well into the night, and yet here I lie... Not sleeping, not dreaming, merely existing. I got off the phone with The Boyfriend, after a long discussion about eating disorders. He tells me, don't lose weight. You're beautiful. You're gorgeous. You don't need to change. But not so deep inside, it doesn't matter to me... I just want to be thin. You must understand, I love this guy. He is the one I plan on being with for the Rest of Eternity, and all it's corny frillings. And then, he asks me something.

              "Aniela, why are you doing this? I thought you were happy."

  I don't know how to explain to him, that I can't ever truly be happy until I'm thin. I don't have the heart, to say that all his love and time he spent healing me, and convincing me I was beautiful, is all for naught because I'm having an outbreak of insecurity. I don't dare make my problems his.
       I just want to be thin.
  
 On a psychological level, I'm actually quite curious. Why am I doing this again? Why am I relapsing? Why am I choosing this? Nothing is wrong with my life, unless you look to hard. Or at all.
       I just want to ACHIEVE something that NO ONE can take away from me.
  I want to make a mark, to show the world. But because I can't, this poor little girl will wallow in her self-pity and pretend the world is crashing down, just so she can lose a few pounds.

      I've never been the thin one. And just once, by God just ONCE in my life I want to feel small- I want to feel fragile. I want to be gorgeously skinny.

     It'll take a couple steps... Commencing first with Operation Copenhagen. (Gotta love the names :) which pretty much consists of anything until I hit 115. At that weight, I have to maintain for a week. I must. I'm not allowed to gain OR lose. This is very critical. But before that point, for the next twelve days I will be on the Copenhagen Diet. There was a girl who lose 23 pounds on the Copenhagen...So we'll just have to see where this gets me.

      So right now, goal weight is 115. More than doable. That's only... (quick math, gets weird number, feels like failure for not knowing simple addition FUCK I mean subtraction) Nine pounds from my current weight. Can I lose nine pounds? Umm yeah :)
       That's nobody's business.

  School starts soon. And boy am I NOT looking forward to it. I got straight A's last quarter, but it was just crazy. So much stress. So much... Partying. Okay, I will admit, I like me a good fiesta every once in a week. Spring Break 2011 was pretty fucking kick ass. But I feel like I do all this just to distract myself from the bigger picture. The bigger picture being, I'm not comfortable in my own home. Hell, I'm not even comfortable in my own skin.
    I long for adventure. For the wind on my face, and everything I know at my back.

 I long to get away.

       But we can't all have what we desire, now can we?

And thus

      And thus, day one of the Copenhagen Diet ends. I feel.... thirsty.
 Work was actually tolerable today, but took a nose-dive toward shitty when I ended up having to jump a barbed wire fence... Let's just say I ate shit. On the other side of the fence, of course. Hey, if I stayed on the fence any longer, I could've been a politician! ;)
          I'm just perusing you lovelies and your blogs... There are a couple I am just in LOVE LOVE LOVE with :) Of course, I'm on the obligatory Pretty Thin site as well... Haha. So, if you're reading, feel free to introduce yourself.

    I love all!~

                  (...Well, not dem fat people....)

Mr. Neptune and Mrs. African Village

124.0

    I woke up to a grungy morning, inside a grungy little mind. Today, the snooze button was getting a little too much action. Pretty soon, I have to be off to hell I mean work. Any day I work, I bike one and a half miles one way... Which is pretty measly, but hey when it comes down to it I guess everything counts :)

      I'm sipping on some blueberry tea, which (I'm not going to lie) I'm cringing at every sip of. Bleh.

 But hey, I've done worse things for the sake of smaller causes.. *shudders* But that's a different story.

   Outside, the sun's shining. But just an hour ago, The Boyfriend got in a car accident. I fucking freaked out... Apparently he was on a dirt road, going around a bend, and his tires slid out from behind him. He's telling me all this, and I'm borderline fucking panic attack. But to be honest, I'm just glad he's okay.

   The scale says 124.0 this morning. Whatever, I take small blessings.

 

   But it's time for a ranty-rant about my work. OHMYFUCKINGGOD. I hate working at McDonalds. It embodies everysinglefuckingdamnthing I am fighting against in this world.... Oh the fat people. Let me tell you.

   I bet if my internal dialogue was ever voiced, I would be fired on the spot.

Here's a little excerpt:

      

         (Enter: Pudgy, balding man in his thirties with a waist band the circumference of Neptune, hand in hand with his online fat fetish girlfriend, hands on her hips displaying her inner diva, which apparently needs to be fed enough to sustain several small African villages)

     

     Me: "Hi, welcome to Mcdonald's! May I help you?"

     What i'm really saying: "Not you fat-fucks again."

    African Village: "I want.....

    "Two of everything?"

     African Village: "A double quarter pounder with cheese meal, and a large Coke."

     Me: "What size meal?" *already hit the Large button, along with the DIET coke button*

     Neptune jumps in: "They're both large meals, including mine."

     Go figure.

 

    Neptune: "I want a Big Mac meal, and I said that was large, but instead of the soda I want a large chocolate shake with extra whip cream. Oh, and on the Big Mac, I want extra mayonnaise. I want two fried apple pies, two hot fudge sundaes with extra hot fudge," Thinks to himself..., "And then a side salad."

    Oh. Salad. Nice Touch.

    Me: "What dressing would you like?"

   I name all the dressings, all of which have "low-fat" in front of the name, to which he makes a face like I just shoved molded donkey shit in his face (too bad he'd probably eat that too), except for ranch.

   He takes two pouches.

   With the biggest, realest smile on my face, I hand them their food.

I look at the clock... and I'm only ten minutes into an eight hour shift.

                   Fuck.

  Anyway, that's the end of that rant. I'm going to have to go head off to work on my eeny meeny barbie bike now... You guys all have a beautiful day :)

Hastily

       I don't remember the first time I felt fat.
But I know it existed.
   Perhaps it was at the lunch table in the seventh grade, while my friends talked and laughed over people.
Maybe it was the day my mother said, "Aniela, do you really need that?"
    Maybe it is because over the years, the subsequent batterings of the thoughts that I had just melded into one, terrifying idea of hate.
       The kind of hate that grows. That doesn't let go. The kind you end up clinging to.
 And oh boy did I cling.
         Over the years, I experienced many things. My first love, moving to a foreign country, purging, losing hope, gaining it, my first binge.... So many different experiences all lending their own flavor to my life.

       There was the restricting part of my life, where I managed to make it down to 99 pounds.
 There was the purging part of my life, which I managed to maintain at about 103.
         And then God help me, there was the binge phase. I skyrocketed to the highest weight this body has ever experienced.... 133 fucking pounds.
       And it all happened so quickly.

 And now, here I sit... Still trying to undo the damage from a year ago. I am 125 pounds... and hopefully, not for long. The first phase of my plan is getting rid of the weight I gained..... Making my first goal 110 pounds.
       I'm starting the Copenhagen diet tomorrow... So I'll be updating.
I don't plan on weighing until the very last day. I'll be checking in with how I feel, and just the generalities of my life.
  Things can get pretty hectic, but hopefully I'll be able to sort them out here.
Anyway, I'm going to go try to sleep now.

     Maybe then my mind can dream of him.

 Good night.
          

         It's hard to contemplate how much life changes.

Every Journey

  And then it's as if every journey starts with the first step.
I'll be short, and frank (for now):

          CW: 125 
          Height: 5'
          
    I live in a world of fragilites, between extremes.
But my story is for another time. For now, I'll sleep...
         And pray to wake up.