Sunday, March 20, 2011
So it's well into the night, and yet here I lie... Not sleeping, not dreaming, merely existing. I got off the phone with The Boyfriend, after a long discussion about eating disorders. He tells me, don't lose weight. You're beautiful. You're gorgeous. You don't need to change. But not so deep inside, it doesn't matter to me... I just want to be thin. You must understand, I love this guy. He is the one I plan on being with for the Rest of Eternity, and all it's corny frillings. And then, he asks me something.
"Aniela, why are you doing this? I thought you were happy."
I don't know how to explain to him, that I can't ever truly be happy until I'm thin. I don't have the heart, to say that all his love and time he spent healing me, and convincing me I was beautiful, is all for naught because I'm having an outbreak of insecurity. I don't dare make my problems his.
I just want to be thin.
On a psychological level, I'm actually quite curious. Why am I doing this again? Why am I relapsing? Why am I choosing this? Nothing is wrong with my life, unless you look to hard. Or at all.
I just want to ACHIEVE something that NO ONE can take away from me.
I want to make a mark, to show the world. But because I can't, this poor little girl will wallow in her self-pity and pretend the world is crashing down, just so she can lose a few pounds.
I've never been the thin one. And just once, by God just ONCE in my life I want to feel small- I want to feel fragile. I want to be gorgeously skinny.
It'll take a couple steps... Commencing first with Operation Copenhagen. (Gotta love the names :) which pretty much consists of anything until I hit 115. At that weight, I have to maintain for a week. I must. I'm not allowed to gain OR lose. This is very critical. But before that point, for the next twelve days I will be on the Copenhagen Diet. There was a girl who lose 23 pounds on the Copenhagen...So we'll just have to see where this gets me.
So right now, goal weight is 115. More than doable. That's only... (quick math, gets weird number, feels like failure for not knowing simple addition FUCK I mean subtraction) Nine pounds from my current weight. Can I lose nine pounds? Umm yeah :)
That's nobody's business.
School starts soon. And boy am I NOT looking forward to it. I got straight A's last quarter, but it was just crazy. So much stress. So much... Partying. Okay, I will admit, I like me a good fiesta every once in a week. Spring Break 2011 was pretty fucking kick ass. But I feel like I do all this just to distract myself from the bigger picture. The bigger picture being, I'm not comfortable in my own home. Hell, I'm not even comfortable in my own skin.
I long for adventure. For the wind on my face, and everything I know at my back.
I long to get away.
But we can't all have what we desire, now can we?