Wednesday, March 23, 2011

These fears are mine

Don't deceive yourself.

I plateaued today.
I tried to console myself, but there was still a part of me that wanted to scream.
I'm on day four of the Copenhagen, and still going strong. I can tell my body's in ketosis,
because I no longer feel hungry... And my pee smells fruity.
Weird, I know.

It's Wednesday over here, and my devilish self will be heading off to church soon.
Yeah, you heard right- Church.
I'm almost completely certain one of these days, I'm going to be positively struck by lightning right where I stand. I used to have very strong faith, but as the years passed... It just, faded.
In part, because I saw how much history had been manipulated for just that sake in history. It struck me as positively horrendous.

But I have a secret.

Sometimes, I catch myself praying.

And it scares me. What if there is something more?
Something bigger than me?

But I can't think of such things. I guess, in a sense, this is why I love the band Coldplay so much.
They gave me something to believe in, bigger than myself. Something I can stand in awe of.
A chance to feel.

All I ever wanted was a chance.


Today the day has been passing rather lovely. I fell asleep on a picnic table at lunch, with the warm sun on my back, to memories I didn't know existed.

A smiling child, with a sparkle in her eyes.

Oh, these days long gone by... Still they haunt me.
You know, in some sick way, it's like my hunger consoles me.
When I'm hungry, I don't have to think.
When I'm hungry, I don't have to feel.

No wonder hunger is a couple steps from death.

I'm hoping for a lower number tomorrow... But hey, aren't we all?

I laugh in the face of deceit.

You thought you were alive, didn't you?


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